If someone asked me how many doctors I’ve seen in my life for my mental health, I’d say about a dozen. I don’t remember the first time a doctor—of any kind—looked me in the eyes and said, “Andrew, you have a mental illness.” My best guess is that it happened toward the end of high school. For the sake of this blog, let’s say that between 2011 and 2020, I saw a dozen doctors. For the most part, it was a revolving door of psychologists, physiatrists, and therapists. For a few weeks, I even saw a spiritually based doctor. That didn’t last long; it wasn’t for me. (Although I’ve realized the impact spirituality and meditation can have on people struggling with their mental health.) These doctors and mental health professionals were incredible. The fact that I didn’t stick with them is in no way indicative of their work. They helped me. Trust me. Without them, who knows where I’d be. That said, I wasn’t getting better—it still felt like there was a missing piece of the puzzle. My OCD was still controlling me. That changed in 2019 when I got wind of the OCD Institute (OCDI) at McLean Hospital in Boston and Exposure Response Therapy (ERP).
What’s Exposure Response Therapy (ERP)?
ERP is a type of behavioral therapy that exposes people with OCD that provokes their obsessions and compulsive thoughts, i.e., they go do the things that drive them crazy.
My Story: How Exposure Response Therapy Fought My OCD
For the first time in over a decade, someone was pushing toward specialized treatment for OCD. This moment should have been enlightening. In reality, however, it wasn’t. The idea of going to an in-patient clinic was not on the top of my list of things I wanted to do. I was still embarrassed and ashamed of my OCD, so by going to the OCDI, I’d officially be admitting that something was seriously wrong with me. Of course, I’d known that for years, but physically uprooting my life and going to a hospital because I have these crazy, irrational thoughts in my head seemed mad.
Nevertheless, I made the call and began the intake process to determine if the OCDI was an appropriate next step for my treatment. It turns out it was, and I got in. The only problem was that the next opening wasn’t available for several months. That news was hard to swallow.
Here’s where the glimmer of hope started to show. At the end of my in-take call, the woman I was speaking with advised me to seek someone in the area who specializes in Exposure Response Therapy (ERP). The reason? ERP is a major part of OCDI’s treatment plan. It’s tough, and for many people with OCD, it’s a complete shock to their system. As a result, they thought it’d be best for me to dip my toes into it before going to Boston—a way to kind of prepare myself.
So, I searched the International OCD Foundation’s database for doctors in my area. To my complete surprise, I found a doctor—Dr. Lauren Wadsworth was just starting her clinic. Great. I’ve found a doctor who knows the ins and outs of OCD and ERP, and she’s right around the corner. But wait, it gets better. Dr. Wadsworth worked at the OCDI. It seemed too good to be true. What’re the odds that a doctor who’s worked at the OCDI—the place I was about to go for treatment—was starting their practice in my next of the woods? It seemed like destiny.
So, I called her and scheduled an appointment. I was anxious, in a good way, but didn’t have a really good idea of what to expect. Sure, I Googled ERP and had an idea of what it entailed, but I had no idea how Dr. Wadsworth viewed it, her approach, and how she’d interact with me. This made me anxious in a bad way.
In late 2019, I was on my way to my first appointment. I get lost. Shocker. Why would anything go smoothly? Looking back, I think anyone would have gotten lost because she was setting up shop in a building almost entirely under construction. Half of the place was stripped to the studs. Well, except for her office downstairs. While the environment definitely added to my anxiety, it quickly become clear that seeing her was going to be the best decision of my life. (Seriously, she’s a miracle worker.)
For the next year, I met with Dr. Wadsworth and dove head-first into the world of ERP. At first, I went several times a week. I did that for a month or two. Then, it was once a week. In total, I met with her and did all things ERP for about a year. It was, without question, the most challenging year of my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Actually, I’d wish it on anyone with OCD because it’s one of the only ways to treat OCD.
As I sit here today, living on my own in a completely new city, I reflect on my time with Dr. Wadsworth at that construction site. While it was undoubtedly the most challenging and mentally draining year of my life (bar none), I can say that the work we did together changed my life. Full stop.